E-Letters

This e-letter is written by Scott Duncan, one of the Inklings. Among the many things that we admire about Scott we are expecially proud of how he has handled adversity with such a noble heart. There is one accomplishment of Scott's that he would not tell you, but might give you insight as you read this e-letter. In his senior year of high school he played on the golf team and they won the state championship.

Jeff

Golf in the Kingdom

By Scott Duncan
Aug 26, 2009

Earlier this year, I attended a Calling Retreat where we were asked to list all of the experiences in recent memory that have brought us joy and all those that have not. Competitive golf showed up on both my lists. Golf is a powerful metaphor for my life, for where I am on my journey. For this reason, I have had a long love-hate relationship with the game. It often focuses my attention on things that I don't want to see. Playing competitive golf is like sucking my life thru a straw. It really shows me where I am. There is just no place to hide. So I decided to take the risk and once again put myself in the place where the phrase "the emperor has no clothes" takes on new meaning.

Last weekend, I played in a three round local golf tournament. It was the last tournament of the season. I played in the first local tournament in April, got completely frustrated, and hadn't picked up a golf club but a couple of times since. I decided to play at the last minute because I thought God wanted to use this experience to teach me something. He keeps telling me that I am forgiven, and that he wants to use the game to teach me how to forgive myself. Anyone who has ever played the game knows that forgiveness is essential. It is not possible to execute the shot at hand and experience the joy in that moment if you are still mired in self-reproach for the botched shot that came before, or focused on the water hazard in front of you. I believe that I miss the joy that Christ has set before me for the same reason.

I want to forgive myself and be present in the moment. This is the only way to experience the joy of the game or of life. A couple of times in the first two rounds I was completely present, and it was glorious but most of the time I was running to the past to re-live similar shots that didn't turn out well or to the future to worry about my score. When I asked God why I have so much trouble with this in golf and in life, he told me something that took me by surprise. He told me that I want to be my own God. I choose to believe in the illusion that I somehow have control, even if it produces a negative result. I don't want to completely submit and surrender even though this is the only way to experience real life in the Kingdom of God. I want to believe that I can somehow change my circumstances instead of really living in the present and turning over the results to him.

The first two days of the tournament I played well on the front nine, and then gave a bunch of shots back to par on the back nine. Each day, I was really holding on. I wasn't really playing the game (living my life). I was working to produce a score, a result, that I hoped would define the experience. My swing was tight and controlled. I was being substantially out driven on every hole by my playing companions. On the third and last day of the tournament, I started poorly and never could get anything to go right. I made some big numbers early on the back nine. Any thought of a good score was lost. I was being beaten soundly by the two younger men that were playing with me. At that point, I had the luxury of just playing the game because there was no longer anything at stake. My swing loosened up, and suddenly I was hitting my tee shots with or by my two younger playing companions. I stood back and looked at what they were doing. Both, who had been playing well, were really holding on, trying to get to the clubhouse without losing the score that they were dreaming of. At that point, God showed me that the score was really not the determining factor. I could get more out of this experience if I would just leave the results to him, and focus instead on opening up my heart to the joy that he is always offering to me.

What I have discovered is that I am further along on my path than I was the last time that I took my pulse by playing competitive golf. My heart and my head are not yet in sync, but at least my head is recognizing that my heart is speaking. My head seems to be working overtime to maintain control. It does not want to play second fiddle. I must not lose heart. If I can choose the present once, I can choose it again. If I can turn over the results to God once, then I can do it again. There are countless opportunities for redemption in the game of golf just as there are in this life of mine. After all I am forgiven. If God has already forgiven me thru the blood of Jesus Christ, then it must be possible for me to forgive myself, to live in each precious moment that he gives me, and to receive the love and joy that he is offering. When I do this, then I will be able to say that I am playing "Golf in the Kingdom".